Happy Wednesday to you all. Get comfortable; there should be enough seats and bean bags for all of you. Remember that the purple bean bag in the corner is Sha’s, but you can sit anywhere else that you choose. I’ll have some snacks for you in a second. Hope you like pigs-in-a-blanket. J
This post should give you an insight into how my mind works. I’ll walk you through it step by step.
I was thinking back to when I was a teenager and then in my early twenties. I was incredibly shy, and I’m talking about shy to the point of painful. I literally could not find the words necessary to ask a girl out on a date, and put me in a crowded room and sweat would break out on my brow. I began to consider the possibility that I was a socially-retarded human being, incapable of having a relationship or meaningful talk with anyone. As those thoughts grew so did my confidence shrink, and that led to less and less belief in myself. I began to see flaws in my appearance; I began to convince myself that I was not worthy of meaningful friendships or relationships.
That kind of self-doubt and castration is like a cancer. It spreads and spreads, feeding upon the negative energy, until a world that was once bright slowly resembles darkening shades of gray on the best of days.
Those thoughts led me to think about girls who suffer from bulimia and anorexia, and others who cut themselves, or turn to drugs and alcohol or sex or whatever other placebo they can find to make the pain go away.
I was lucky! When I reached my mid-twenties I got involved in several activities like bowling leagues and softball leagues, and I started to interact with people. The more comfortable I got with my new friends the more my real personality came through, and then a strange thing happened….women started to notice me, and enjoy being with me, and they told me they loved my sense of humor and…..that social reject began to realize that there was really nothing wrong with who he was.
A funny side note….when I was having my horrible days in the grips of alcoholism, it was quite easy for me to revert back to the old days and believe that I was not worthy of anyone loving me. All of the old stinking thinking came back fueled by alcohol.
Today those are distant memories. I wish I could talk to every person who has low self-esteem and tell them that they are fine just the way they are. I wish I could assure them that there are people out there in this huge world who will love them for who they are.